For whatever reason, I have always carried some very harsh and abrasive stigmas concerning mental health disorders.
They wouldn't suffer like that if they just used a little self control.
If only he/she would open their eyes and realize how much their actions are hurting those around them.
Seeking attention much?
I'm not sure where these deep rooted, endemic ideologies manifested, but I know one thing is true, despite a plethora of published scientific discoveries, several years of experience working in both health care and research, and a very raw and emotional relationship with a sibling that eventually lost in his battle with depression, I still struggle with understanding this dark, intimidating, and very complex realm of mental health.
I'm going to take a leap of faith with this post. I'm going to expose myself in ways that I've probably never done before. I'm going to make some very difficult confessions and admissions that I'm not always proud of. But I'm also going to shine a light on a very important topic that deserves a spotlight. Be prepared, this is long and rambling, but it has helped me in more ways than one to finally put my words on a page.
I am a very computationally minded person. I like clear-cut, obvious, black and white answers, but I like them to be detailed and specific. I like tests and analyses that can blatantly and clearly spell out a problem as well as a potential solution. I want to knows the ins, the outs, the whys, and the hows. Hashtagging #breakthestigma and #breakthesilence do nothing to unpack, flesh out, and expose the underlying reasons why those stigmas and assumptions are there to begin with.
I also tend to be somewhat of a skeptic. Especially in today's selfish society, my trusting nature has been shattered by deceit, corruption, and self-absorption. I have been discouraged by the repeated laziness, apathy, and a sheer lack of work ethic that seems to be taking over a significant percentage of our generation. Unfortunately, I confess, I have judged, made assumptions, and falsely accused others because of ignorant speculations that emerge from my own brokenness.
Many symptoms of mental health dysfunction are self reported, which is the most likely source for some of my suspicions. Paired with a very ingrained belief that we're all capable of overcoming setbacks and obstacles, I can't seem to shake the question:
why can't they just change the way they think? Why can't they just make a conscious choice to be different?
In my mind, I've (ignorantly) convinced myself that everyone has the sole ability to walk away from their mental health disorder and
choose to think/act/behave etc.
differently.
To say that the topic of mental health is gray in color is an understatement. But my black and white brain is always searching to learn more.
Science continues to show us the physiological mechanisms by which depression, anxiety, and other major mood disorders present themselves. The same can be said of a myriad of other diagnoses such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, post traumatic stress syndrome, and postpartum depression. Most of these disorders have a
biological origin, and luckily, many of these can be improved or even eliminated by pharmaceutical interventions.
Yes, behavioral interventions like therapy, meditation, and prayer can also set off a physiological cascade that may (or may not) have a profound impact on the body's natural functions, but when it comes to establishing chemical balances, these methods are not always as effective.
Even something like a moderately stressful day can set off a chain reaction inside our brains that can take several days to recover from.
I recently came across a viral blog post,
A Letter To Those Affected By My Anxiety, and I was immediately inclined to write about how this brave girl's words resonated with me. For the first time, I was able to get an honest and understandable look inside what it felt like to battle this disease, but be able to do nothing about it.
One of my biggest frustrations when discussing this issue with my own brother was the fact that he could never voice or explain how it felt. He was never able to fully articulate the all-consuming burdens that rendered him completely helpless, or perhaps it was me who just couldn't understand what he was trying to say? He would freeze up, become silent, retreat into a shell of confusion, shrug his shoulders, and leave me with a frustrating and disheartening, '
I don't know.'
After years of him being unable to articulate what I wanted to hear, I found myself frequently drifting away from sympathy and settling into a state of annoyance and irritation. Not with his disease, but with him.
I would beg him, '
Are we not worth changing for? Don't you think about the consequences of your actions before or even during your thoughtless behaviors? Do you realize how your choices make US feel?'
In my selfish desire for affirmation, love, and attention from my brother, I failed to see that no, he probably could not stifle the emotional roller coaster of his severe depression and behavioral addictions, not even for the ones he loved most. The physiological imbalances and biological imperfections would entirely take over, completely hindering his ability to practice self control.
This is not to say that he deserved a free pass throughout his struggle. His actions, despite a mental illness, were very hurtful, often morally wrong, and almost always left irreparable damage.
But failing to accept that he had a
physical illness, which often rendered him both physically and emotionally unable to make sound and conscious choices, did not help our relationship nor the recovery process that inevitably ensued after each gambling spree, each item stolen, each lie, and each attempt to end his life.
His mental illness was never enough to justify the pain and heartache that we experienced as a result of his choices.
I am privileged to be a research subject in a study investigating gastrointestinal responses to the food we eat. Part of this study recently included a series of electrodiagnostic tests which ultimately create a general report about your body's
automatic response to mildly stressful stimuli.
As expected, both times I completed the series of breathing and physical tests, the report indicated that I likely suffer from moderate anxiety and therefore, a titre prescription was recommended to address these physical abnormalities. The completely involuntary reactions, electrical signals, heart rate, blood pressure etc. were disturbed, disrupted, and distressed beyond my own control, likely the result of a mild chemical/hormonal imbalance. My body was
automatically sending me into a state of anxiety and there was nothing I could do to change it.
I was not surprised in the least to hear this information, but my shame and embarrassment were evident.
Nobody likes to admit imperfection, especially a perfectionist like myself, but the more I've thought about my experience the more I'm starting to understand that
there is absolutely no shame in the body that God gave me - physical and emotional 'abnormalities' and all.
As many have already done, I could write an entire blog post about the recent, tragic events that unfolded in Virginia a few weeks ago where two innocent people were barbarically gunned down by a cruel, deranged individual. Throughout these various stories, blogs, and personal accounts, people have repeatedly exchanged the words 'criminal' and 'mentally ill.'
I cringe and my heart breaks.
Yes, this catastrophic and very graphic incident is deplorable.
But you want to know what else is disgusting and disheartening? The repeated association that folks who suffer from a mental illness are likely to commit such a heinous act - well, it makes it very difficult for our society to understand that not all mentally ill people have vicious hearts. Constantly pairing the term 'mentally unstable' with a predisposition to carrying out hate crimes is damaging. In more ways than one. Statistics don't lie, but if we're trying to break down the walls of
any 'unfair stereotype,' be it race, gender, income, mental state, you name it, I think it's fair to say that we cannot always be deceived by ignorant conventions.
Yet another reason why my own personal stigmas may be so deeply ingrained and hard to overcome...
But back to the topic of mental health. This is where the issue still remains very gray.
How much of an affected person's actions and behaviors are controlled by their mental disorder? How many of their choices can they consciously make? Is there a way to quantitatively score or rate the severity of their dysfunctions so we know just how much we can realistically expect out of them?
In most cases, we'll never know.
But when it comes to other well known diseases like diabetes, high blood pressure, and even cancer, although we may not always have the right answer, the best plan of action, or the most effective treatment, we can only hope and pray for the best. We can support, encourage, and become more educated about the topics we encounter, so that we can not only take better care of our own bodies, but help others to do the same.
Most importantly, we can
seek treatment. Someone with diabetes will only be able to self regulate their blood sugar so much using diet and exercise without eventually needing the help of medication or additional insulin. Ample sunscreen may not prevent cancer 100%. Not a fan of doctors? That's ok. Figure out a way to talk with someone. Start a journal. Pray.
As far as the person who's never experienced mental illness firsthand, it's so easy to judge and condemn others when we think they can do better, but God calls us to love. Before all else, we should love. Accountability and hard truths will fall into place if we establish and maintain relationships on an indestructible foundation of love.
Although I can't explain why people encounter struggle, I'm beginning to see and understand that maybe God has given me a taste of hardship so that I can be more understanding and loving to others who need support. Most importantly, my struggles, although small and insignificant compared to others', remind me to rely on God, for it is He who can give me ultimate peace.
September is National Suicide Prevention Month, so in honor of my brother, please be kind to others. Please do not assume there is a quick fix to mental struggles. Open your minds and open your hearts. Most importantly, just love.
